My truth about recovery

People that hurt others on purpose without the presence of alcohol or narcotics, those people are the worst. I can tell from my own experience. I got to experience that people lie, people have an entire picture of how you should be, and if you are not anything like that, well, than these people will make you out to be persons with problems bigger than their own, and that’s just wrong. I have enough going on in my life I am worried about. I am not emotionally stable at all, but I am working on it. It doesn’t help when I am working incredibly hard on my recovery and somebody pushes me into madness.

I find the image horrific that has been created of me, lies with a bunch of layers that are not at all applicable to me, none. I guess, it says a whole lot more about the person spreading these awful things about me, then it does about me, since I am not suffering from any addiction, and somehow, somebody thought it was funny to spread those lies about me. I mean, if you are going to make up something, make it at least something that comes near the truth. I won’t accept it. Not if it would be a friend acting like this, not if it would be a family member. Whoever it is, just no.

Go harrass someone else, not someone like me who’s in recovery. I am who I am, and I will always be my amazing me. If you do not like a part of me, or you do not like any parts of me, than that’s still not a problem of mine. I am quite happy with how I am turning out to be, the changes I am making to make my life more comfortable, more peaceful and most importantly, a happier place for me to live in.

I am finally on the right track, figuring a lot of things out, and I am far from being where I want to be, but I am on my way and nobody gets to take advantage about my instable moments. You have no idea of the extra damage you are making me go through. I am going through it, but I shouldn’t have to go through it, since it’s based on absolutely nothing. I am finally at the point in my recovery, that I know what matters and what does not. I am finally at the point in my recovery where I am proud of all the doubting I had towards myself in the past year. I am proud of it, because of it I am a better person now, I learned that my insecurities are also precious, and that when I doubt myself, it is because I am thinking about all that went on / all that is going on.

Recovery is hard, I am not going to lie, it’s incredibly hard, but moreover recovery is a gift for it s a time to re-discover yourself, and I don’t think there are a lot of people who dare to do so. Recovery is learning how to feel again, for out of protection you shutted down your emotions completely. Learning how to feel again, that takes courage. Feeling in general takes courage, if you ask me. It takes courage, because being vulnerable scares the shit out of me for sure. On the other hand, there’s such beauty in being vulnerable. I find that people who have the balls to open up to another human being, are the realest people out there. The overall message of this post is that it’s okay to fall flat on your face a number of times. It’s okay if it takes a while until you realize what you have to do get back up. As long as you also know that setback is part of your recovery. Appreciate your process, really appreciate all the effort you are making to try and get better, because I promise you, you will get there. Maybe not today, but as long as you keep trying and you feel something changing, even if it’s the smallest thing, you are becoming a little bit better already.

To all those who are suffering immensely, maybe I don’t know your pain. Maybe your life is nothing like mine, but I hope all of you find the strength to rebuild your life. I hope that there is a person in your life who tells you that you are so worth it, if you don’t know that yet. And if that person isn’t present in your life, then I want to be the one that tells you that you are amazing!

xoxo Soph’

In the end

In the end it all hurts the same, even when you don’t have any expectations to begin with. When something doesn’t work out, it still hurts. It hurts, because you gave something a shot and even when you didn’t have an expectation, it gave you this wrong regained sparkle of hope. It made you feel good, feel strong, feel powerful for trying something new, but then, at one point it just ends, it just vanishes right of your life and it just leaves you…

Why is that you can know damn right what you don’t want? And even with that knowledge, life finds of way of presenting you exactly those situations and those people you don’t want? Why is that everything that you do not want, that that is going to be what you do attract in your near future? And that when you have an image in your mind of what you do want, why is that somehow harder to attract? I mean I get that you can’t have it all, all in once, but why is it so hard to have a grasp? I am so tired of meeting people I don’t want to meet up, and for those people to question everything I believe in and everything I stand for. I am tired of letting myself getting carried away in situations I didn’t want be in for that matter. I am tired of the countless little heartbreaks. In so many ways, I am not becoming less disappointed, just less excited. And if there’s one thing I very much love about myself, it is my pure excitement to go out of my comfort zone. Then I wonder, why can’t I meet the right people outside of my comfort zone?

Whether you apply for a job and don’t get hired for the position you wanted, whether you start dating and for whatever the reason might be, it just isn’t it, whether you are so busy with work, you don’t have enough time to enjoy your time off, it all hurts the same…

I guess I want to experience so much more of life than I do now, but I want to have people beside me that actually care for and about me, that would be nice. That would be something different for a change. Well, guess that isn’t up for discussion now…

No more of this

I am who I am, I do what I like, I like what I do, I know what I am good at, I am a good person. I know I am, then why do I let others make me doubt myself? This is where I go wrong.

I have this image in my head of how I want my life to look like and to be quite honest, now I’m defenitely not where I want to be someday, and it sucks to have to admit that. This image is an image where I am financially independent, where others don’t have anything to say about me (whether their opinion of me is good or bad), where I am also living a steady life and where I have succeeded in the studies I will start following in september, where I have a job I love to do and which I am also good at.

Now, I mostly have a picture in my head, of all the things I don’t want in my life at this point. I thought that worked for me, I thought that was the way to try and get further in life, but it is right now, that I realize it’s doing the exact opposite, it’s stopping me.

Therefore I am taking one step back in the best sense of the word. What I mean to say is that I am taking one step back by trying to reconnect with my inner self. I need to get back in touch with her, for she matters, and I am not aware that I matter enough, that makes me sad. I’ve been so busy the last few months surviving, that I stopped feeling what was really going on insight myself. I felt bad most of the time, but I think partial because I looked at things from a total bad perspective. It’s going to be different now. I am going to be different now, or more likely, I am going to make some small positive changes in my life, and in my being as a person.

I am going to focus more on the here and now, I am going to try to live more in the moment and I will succeed, for the one and only reason, that I can if I want to. Also, I am not going to give someone just like that the benefit of the doubt. I did, and it only resulted in me getting carried away in situations I didn’t even want to be in, in the first place. I let emotions take me over, and I can’t have that happening anymore. I need to be open to new ideas, but no so easy to lose my own perspective on cases important to me. I will get more in touch with my intuiton, for it has never ever left me and I have been ignoring it for most of my life. Not good at all. I feel like a failure in a lot of ways, when I am not. The only reason I feel so, is because I don’t listen enough to what is really going on in my person, in my heart. I am trying to run from my feelings, but my feelings at the end of each day always catch up on me. I am a fool, for letting the outside world influence me, yet too much.

I am not going to feel guilty anymore for having a bad day, or for being in a bad mood for that matter. I don’t want to feel bad, but if I do, than that just is and it will pass. I have survived so many battles, a few setbacks more or less, it doesn’t really make a difference. I have been so busy focussing my attention to all the things I didn’t want, and therefore attracted them somehow ironic in my life.

Overall, I am not an insecure person, but I let myself feel insecure because I let people make me feel insecure, when they aren’t supposed to, even worse, when they have no reason to. I am bad with trust. Recent bad experiences are responsible for that, but that’s not actually necessarily a bad thing. I will not tolerate people who just want my trust, like it means nothing, like it comes for free. This also means I am going to regain all my trust in myself. I am going to enjoy myself more and more and I will get to the point that no fool will be able to make me feel like an idiot, because once again, I am not.

 

You think you know me, but do you?

I might come off as a person who always has it good, since you mostly see me laughing a lot and often. You have no idea what I’m about. Persons only show others how they want to be seen. The point I’m trying to make is that what you know about me, is only what I allow others to see.

I think expressing my thoughts and feelings througout writing will always be easier then expressing them to persons. I can’t really explain why, but I’ll give it a try. I guess for me, when it comes to writing, it feels like a way out, like as if, no matter what I’ll write about, it will always be nice to look back on when I grow older in the future. As for persons, I don’t have a lot of friends, but I have good friends, however, I don’t always find myself in the position of wanting to explain to them why I feel bad.

Especially, this one experience that will always keep me busy in one way or the other. My best friends know about it, but it’s not up to them to fix me, it’s not up to my family to make things better. It’s defenitely not up to a man to fix me, or this one man in particular. And the good thing is that they don’t need to, because I got myself. I just need them to be there to be when I fall tremendousy and I find myself having a hard time getting back up, and they are. These are people who are just around, all the time and anywhere. This is more then enough. It’s up to myself to fix me, but this month it will be four months, I am getting better, but there are moments I feel like I am not, moments in which I feel like the world is slipping away from beneath my feet. These are becoming less moments, so I guess that’s a good thing, but these moments are still present, at least they are for now.

What I need others to understand about me is just this one thing, a very important thing though, and that is that I am not always capable of understanding my own emotions, so if you don’t understand me being upset, it’s not necessarily a bad thing, because sometimes I don’t even understand what I’m going through, or the feelings I am feeling. And that is okay, as long as you do care and you show me you care, then it’s more then fine.

Also, even if you can’t help someone, just be there at anytime and listen to what they have to say. To have someone listening to every word you are saying, that’s a pretty good feeling if you ask me. It’s pretty amazing when your voice is really being heard, and it gets even better, if that voice is being heard by the right person…

xo Soph’

About men and women

About men and women…

Here it goes. We do not think it is an honor to be called ‘doable’. The term ‘doable’ is often described by men who seem to think that women must see being called ‘doable’ as an honor. It is not and this is the reason. Women are not happy when you see them as something always ready to experience, in the most sexual sense of the word. We as women, we do not dress our selves for men. We like to dress up and look good for our selves, not for men. Even if we are wearing provacative clothes, it does not give a guy the right to take advantage of it, like it is nothing. Because it is, and because of the way most men see women, the world is getting a less safer place to live in for women.

Also, when women are walking on the street, it should not matter where they walk or at what time. Women should be able, at any time to walk on the streets without being called names, such as ‘slut’, ‘whore’ or any other disgusting word there can be used to disgrace women. Or when women walk on the streets and no actual words are being used, women still get assaulted by being whistled after. Seriously? You think women want to harrassed on the street by men thinking it is okay to treat women like a dog. Newsflash, it is not.

Even as a men, if your mother was not around growing up, it does not give you the right to treat another woman badly.

The same goes for women for that matter. Growing up, my dad was never around and therefore I had an image of how men were, a really bad image though. Luckily I have been able to get rid of that image, just because the man that was supposed to be a father, in fact was not. It does not mean all men are like that. I just had a bad example, that is all.

The point I am trying to make is that no matter if it is a woman or a man who has hurt you in the past, that was just one woman or one man and by all means, not all women or all men. You know in your heart that I am right, and me being right is really not what is important here. It is just unfair to uphold that image of women being therefore to be called names or to be assaulted on the streets. It is just as unfair to uphold that image of men being these awful creatures who are just around to treat women badly.

I would like in the near future, a day not that far from now, to be a day in which we finally are equal. Because, I find that we are not. We are not equal, because of our negative thinking and our negative acting. We must make it come to a stop now. To treat both men and women with all the respect in the world, for men and women to be paid the same amount of money for the exact same function.

xo Soph’

Comeback to society

You will probably start wondering on what it is that makes me want to have a comeback into society. I am not going to get all in details in this post. Or I just might, since writing for me, is always easier than talking to people in real life, about what’s really bothering me.

Last year, 2016, was supposed to be the best year of my life, or at least, one of the best years I would get to look back at, when I am old and grey. In a way, 2016 was in fact pretty good. I graduated from International Business Studies, an education I loved to work on, call me a geek who loves economics and languages.

As a person, I fell apart, I fell apart in all possible ways and by saying this, I mean, I had a tremendous break-down that wouldn’t seem to come to an end. I should have felt proud and happy for graduating succesfully, but I got to experience an ending, and to me all endings and new beginnings are so scary. Something I was so passionate about, something I loved to do that much, was just gone, like that. And that was hard for me, I couldn’t take a grasp on the situation. I realize this may sound weird, and you might not be able to relate to the situation I am describing at this point. It’s fine, if you don’t get it, as long as you are trying to get a better understanding of how I felt.

It’s not only my life after graduation, it’s also that in my personal life, everything that could go wrong went wrong. You might think I am exaggerating, but I am not. In my personal life, besides studies that came to an end, I lost myself as a person. I lost myself completely to the point nothing made sense at the time. Everything that happened while I lost myself, was terrible, for I could not enjoy it if it was good, and I couldn’t fight it if it was bad. It was all just there, and I was there, but in a way I wasn’t, because emotionally I was somewhere else. And I can’t really point to where I was actually at, every place I would be at or every place I would go to, would suck it’s entire energy out of of me. I would never feel at ease or at home. You can imagine that’s not a good feeling to feel, not at all in fact.

Besides losing my entire self, I would meet people that were able to do terrible things with and to me, and I wouldn’t mind that much. I figured since I had turned against myself, everyone on my path must had it’s right to do the exact same. I was hurting, but in a way I was ‘enjoying’ the hurt, if I look back at it now. I guess, for me, I had built up a wall this high, it was impossible to just be knocked down by friends or family. I just sat there, watching my life passing me by, and I would feel numb. For the first time ever in my life, I wouldn’t feel a thing. Not happy, not sad, not angry, just entirely numb. I knew this was the point I had to do something to get out of all this. I couldn’t continue living a life of full numbness..

I started to take back control with really small things, but to me these small things, they meant everything. They were big things to me. I would talk more with strangers about what was going on in their life. I felt I had to learn myself again to show compassion to others misery and pain. For I had become fully numb, I had also lost my compassion of understanding someone elses pain. As you can read, it was a hard period in my life.

Now almost a year later, I am still finding pieces of myself back. I haven’t completely found myself back, but I came a long way and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for being able to enjoy the small things in life, like a good laugh with a friend or a family member. I am thankful for having found the strength to get passed the misery that last year presented me. I am thankful for the people that showed me how much they cared about my well-being, that defenitely made a difference. I am learning to get to know the person I am now and so far, I am liking her. I am liking myself for now I can say I am becoming more and more at ease with all that happened and all that is. At last, I want to thank the people that are giving me a chance, a chance in life, a chance in work, a chance in a new study and a chance in love perhaps..

xo Soph’

Past self versus future self

Hi guys,

So, this post is going to be a little bit different than the one I posted yesterday. Yesterday I may have seemed upset and I was, I still am actually. However, this post is about growing up. We all age, we all learn, we all make mistakes, we all have the chance to make right for what we have done wrong, we all fall tremendously before getting back up. And when we do manage to get back up, what then? Do we continue messing around? With our selves, our minds, and even worse, do we continue messing around when other people’s feelings are involved?

What do we do? Aren’t we supposed to do better this time? Aren’t we supposed to act wiser and try to not hurt people anymore? I get that you can’t please everyone, if we could, God knows how differently the world would look like. I get that we aren’t perfect, what I just refuse to understand is people who get turned on somehow when they see someone struggling with for example depression, insecurites and or with fears. Those are real tragedies, and not at any point to be considered as a joke. And there’s my problem. We live in a world where it simply is not accepted to have a day off, or to not be in any kind of positive state. We are being forced to be happy, feel happy, and if we are not happy, than we have to pretend we are happy. Silly, right? I think we need to state things, feelings, thoughts and actions for exactly what they are. We should stop feeling ashamed for how we truly feel. We must reconnect with our inner selves. We must feel and acknowledge how we really feel.

Growing up is something that doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t. Some take their whole lives in an attempt to grow up and some, even then, don’t manage to ever grow up. We mustn’t be afraid to grow up. We need to grow up and become stronger, fiercer, less strict, and more like rolemodels. The world is in desperate need of people stepping up at all times. We need more of people who actually want to make the world a nicer place to live in. We need more of people who aren’t afraid of hitting rock bottom. We need more of people who help out, because they want to help out, not because it is per se necessarily.

Growing up comes with being able to take a good look at your past self and creating a picture in your head of your future self. These two can be very different from each other. I even hope they are. I hope life brings all of you so many challenges, you were forced to change for the better, to make chances for the better. I hope you will always have the courage to keep going, to keep fighting. It’s okay if you have one nervous break-down or two once in a while. It’s in these break-downs you will find regained strenght and restored hope. I can not promise you much, but that, that I can promise..

Restore humanity

Hi guys,

This is not me being pessimistic, but the world is in desperate need of humanity being restored. The world is in desperate need of human beings actually being human. I am so sick and tired of people not living up to their potential. I am sick and tired of people settling for okay. Newsflash, okay is far from good and not living up to your potential, with that kind of behavior, you are selling the entire world short. Stop telling yourself and everyone around you that you have your reasons for doing what you are doing and that that is what suits you best at the moment. Just stop. Yes, we are all familiar with setbacks, disappointment, things not working out like we planned, boohoo. That doesn’t make up for lacking as a person. That doesn’t make up for just doing what you’re supposed to do. I want the world to wake up for once, just this once time, and for everybody to stop thinking only about them selves.

The world doesn’t revolve about me, and it sure as hell doesn’t revolve about you either. I am maybe not sure what the world does revolve of, but I know it doesn’t revolve about people thinking only about what works best for them. Yes, put yourself in first place, that I can understand. What I however can’t understand are people who intentionnaly hurt others. Why are there so many twisted people who think it’s okay to just do whatever they feel like? To just not take another persons feelings in consideration? I am upset, because I just feel that if we all continue living life, like we do now, the world is only going to become an even lesser place to live in.

When did we stop caring about others? When did we stop listening to what was really bothering others? When did we stop being humans? The world we are currently living in, I don’t think I, the person that I am is ready for it, for that. A world where people hurt others so much, that really is not a life I am proud to be a part of. I am not speaking for everybody. There are exceptions, and for that I am glad, but the world, us, we can do so so so much better. Why don’t we start now?

I hope you are not misunderstanding my point of this point. I am not saying life isn’t worth it, because it is. I just think most people can do so much better, and a world where people care more about them selves and others, that’s a world I would be so proud to be a part of. I would like to be a part of a society where it is not being considered weak to have several break-downs. I would like to be a part of a society where we can genuinely be our selves, because this whole trying to fit in so badly, it’s just not right. Not only is it not right, it shouldn’t be necessary.

Don’t get me wrong, I am happy with the person I am today and happy with the person that I am becoming, but… I never ever settle for okay. Okay doesn’t it cut for me, why should it cut for others? I am defenitely not where I want to be one day, and to be honest.. I am having a really hard time to having to suck it up, I do, but I have, I have no choice but to keep going. I just want for my life to make sense again. Some days I feel tremendously good, like I am on top of my world, but other days, I feel tremendously worthless. Tremendously worthless, because I know I can do so much more then all that I am doing right now. Tremendously worthless, because I know I am not fulfilling my potential at this very moment.

Humanity just needs to be restored and that process has to start now. We can’t wait any longer. The world needs to get better, the world needs to become a nicer place to live in. I am tired of having to hide my insecurities, flaws and fears. Why does society wants us to be perfect? Why is it so wrong, to admit that you are not doing okay, not doing okay at all for that matter? Why are we keeping our selves so busy with pretending our personal pictures is so awesome to the outside world? It’s time to wake up already, it’s time to just be whatever you feel like and not feeling guilty for feeling like shit. I know I could have a lot more admiration for someone telling me how he or she is experiencing the worst day of his or her life, then someone who is trying it’s hardest to create a perfect life, a perfect person. I wish people would allow them selves to show their vulnerability more often. That’s my wish for 2017…

Hope

Funny thing about hope..

Hope, for me personally, hope is something which when at my lowest times I could only dream of. I know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless, feel absolutely numb instead of insecure, sad or angry. In my life I often chose persons and situations that were familiar with me, far from what was actually good for me. At a certain point I grew older, and with becoming older, I started thinking of all my setbacks, which I saw as failures, but I don’t anymore. I have come to the point that I am actually at ease with my past, the parts I took control of and the parts I never ever had control of, from the beginning.

Hope was never actually something that was always around for me, at least, I had no idea it was present all along. I guess hope often in fact is always around, often, we just think this new rock bottom we reach is so bad, you can’t think of yourself being in a place and situation less bad than the one you are already in. But when you finally manage to come out of your self diggen hole, you will realize that you survived from the person or situation you were convinced you couldn’t ever get rid of. But you did, you managed to leave, with all of your heart shattered in all it’s pieces. But you left, you broke free, you did it. This is such an important step in your new life process. Stop reading for a second please. When you do, in this brief second, award yourself for all the fears you have overcome, for the fact you made yourself stronger, than you once thought you were. I want you to admire yourself for the insecurities you managed to outlive.

Now breathe in and breathe out. Now, chill aready. Your life is finally turning around for the better, chill god damn it. Enjoy the ride, even if you are not sure what feelings to feel. Just feel them, allow them to be. If you are currently making some positive changes into your life, I am so extremely proud of you. How does it make a difference to know that one person cares? Maybe it doesn’t, but I hope it does.

I hope that it only takes one individual to make a difference. I hope that it only takes one individual to help another human being out, when he is in need. I hope that it only takes one individual to inspire another person. I hope that it only takes one individual to rise from depression, insecurites and fears.

Making changes takes a whole lot of courage, and it takes fucking confidence to do so. Pardon my language, but I am feeling frustated at this pointed. Fucking frustrated, because hope, even when you think it has never been present in your life, it sure has. Without hope, even the baddest people would be a lot worse then they are now. Without hope, I wouldn’t know how to find the courage to keep on trying, keep on fighting.

 

New blog

Hi guys,

I would like to start with thanking each and every one of you for your kind words and support in these two years that I run this blog. You have always been part of my success.

I have an amazing announcement to make. As of today, I am beginning to work out ideas for a new blog and a new name for this blog. This new blog will have it’s start around my birthday in July 2017. This blog will be very different and even more personal than this one. Stay posted if you are excited!

All my love, xo Soph’