‘She couldn’t calm the noises in her head and in her mind, she could never escape from her thoughts’.
Yes, I am talking about myself in the third person. But the reason why I choose to do so, is because this is how I am. It’s not everything ofcourse, but it’s a very big part of me and I am no longer afraid of acknowleding this part. It has always been crowded inside of my head and inside of my mind, but I used to be convinced that all the madness that went on was bad, like it was all bad, all of my thoughts I had, all the worries I had.
For me, becoming older (and wiser perhaps, that would sure be nice though) was hard, because often I didn’t understand why I would feel a certain emotion so heavily and why I would barely feel another emotion. I had loads of trouble understanding myself, and why certain things that went on would have such great effect on me, and other entire other situations so little.. I would almost never give myself the chance to take a step back and to look at what was really was going on, I would never admire myself for yet another try, even if it didn’t work out. When something wouldn’t work out, I would feel such anger and disappointment towards myself, that 9 out of 10 times I would beat myself up (not literally, but I think it’s understandable to see where I am going with this).
Now however, I think I am doing a much better job in controlling my emotions, this having to do with trying to understand more properly where they are coming from, and if I find myself not being able to take a grasp on my emotions, just letting them be. The change that took place is that now I would never beat myself up so fast, like the way I used to. If I can’t comprehend something, that’s okay for me, as long as I do try to understand, that’s highly important for me.
I am excited for my new studies, Journalism, that will start in less than a month. I am excited about new opportunities. But what I am probably most excited about myself at this very moment, is myself. And this I can say, I haven’t felt like this in a very long, long, long time…