As I am writing this, it’s a friday morning and for some reason, I feel off, so off. I can’t actually put meaning on what it is I am feeling right now. I feel a bit different, then I have been feeling lately about my whole life at this moment. I can accept not succeeding, as long as I know I have tried tremendously hard.
I think all the things I am at, all the things I am doing right now, they scare the living hell out of me. Maybe that doesn’t make sense at all, but to me it does. I am a person who will always give everything, whether it’s a job or studies, nor whether whom it concerns. I would lie, if I said certain experiences haven’t changed me. They have changed me in a lot of ways, and sometimes waking up feeling off is part of it, I guess, at least it is for me. People often say it is not possible to change. I strongly disagree. I think you are forced to go through some kind of changes, when you go through a really bad situation. Then it’s not even about wanting to change, but having to, simply to get through it. It’s not about feeling good 24/7. That’s not what my life is about. If your life is like that, well I am glad for you, but for me it’s not.
It’s like I went through what I went through, but it takes me a longer time to be able to really feel or experience what I felt at that time. No, I am having like flashbacks and remembering more and more of really, really bad situations I have been in. It’s almost as if I before didn’t allow myself to feel anything to very little of it.. It’s like when now when I haven’t slept good in weeks, I am actually starting to feel something else, something different, but I can’t really put a point on it, on what it is. It’s like I suppressed certain parts of the really bad experiences. I guess, I must have, just as a way of getting through really bad days at first.
I want to believe fiercely that people will do everything it takes in their power, even it’s just about self-protection, and make their pain and hurt less, to move further in life. I think we should all show more admiration for people going through a hardship, no matter what kind of hardship it is, even it is a hardship you are (thankfully) not familiar with. I find people going through hardships, the strongest people out there, because they want to just not feel numb, to stop worrying and for one day to experience relief and find some kind of regained joy and hope.
For me, it’s highly important to watch my setbacks and progresses carefully. They are both tremendously important for where I am going, and the person I am going to be eventually. I am at ease though, for as far as that is possible with my life. The good and the bad, I’ll take it as it is, I’ll do the best I can in getting forward in my life, and I’d like to think I am very much on the right track. Appreciate it all, for I am a firm believer of everything coming your way for a reason. That makes it more acceptable. That makes the journey of life more than worth it…