It’s a wednesday evening, and as I am writing this, I need all of you to know that I am a sincere person and I am not ashamed for anything I have done to others, nor what others have done to me. For most of my life I have been trying to maintain control. Now I am starting to let go of this ‘need’. I want others to know it’s okay to have a hard time, as long as you try and with this trying you are helping yourself, even if you are not able to realize it in that moment.
I have been very personal about events that took place earlier this year. I have chosen to delete the posts including sensitive details, not because I am ashamed about it, but because there’s more to me than all my emotional bagage. I feel I owe it to myself to try and not let it haunt me, even it very much feels that way.
Now is the time I am feeling so upset, so angry, like I just want to go out on the street and scream. I won’t, but I feel angry and for me that’s actually an amazing improvement. I still feel numb at times and I can’t imagine these feelings will fade away anytime soon, but I am starting to allow myself to really feel what I am feeling.
It will always be with me and in my mind, and it has defenitely changed my life in so many ways, but I think I will be able to deal with it in a more positive way in the future. For now, I am focussing on work and my upcoming Journalism studies.
I might still be struggling a lot, and with this struggle a lot of self-doubting, but I can live with that. I can live with working on a better version of myself. I can live with getting to know myself in a complete other way.
To anyone who might be fighting their biggest scary battle, I have just one thing to say. Life is hard, recovery is even harder, but recovery will have you experience all kinds of emotions and will cause thoughts and actions, and everything changes, but you really will grow and be a different kind of you, but for all you had to go through, you will be a better you.
Pardon my language, but we are f*ing worth it!