This post is one where I will be seriously questioning the term ‘nothing’. Later on it will become more clearly why.
Often people ask us out of politeness how we are doing. We are supposed to say we are doing good. That’s the most polite thing to respond with. But what, if we respond to that question, by saying we are doing good, when in fact, we are not? Perhaps I am the only one struggling with this, but I have high admiration for people who are not doing good, not doing good at all for that matter, and still find the courage to say that they are doing good. It’s a safe answer to give, because people will just accept it, they won’t start asking questions considering your situation, because they are not aware you have one.
However… I would like to point out that good friends/relatives will always know whether you are truly doing good, or whether you try to make up that you are doing good, when you really are not. It is socially accepted to say that we are doing good. It is not socially accepted, not at all in fact, to say that we are not doing so good, for whatever the reason might be. I feel like often we try to feel as good as possible for the outside world, but by doing that, we are lying to our selves. At the end of a really shitty day, you end up feeling not wanted.
Most people want to hear it’s going good with someone, because that’s the easiest. I like to hear that it’s going good with people, I really do, but only if someone says it and means it at the same time. If a persons tells me that they are doing good, when they are not, they felt the need to tell a lie towards me, to make me feel better. When I only wanted to know genuinely how it was going.
So, I feel it’s safe to say that we cannot any longer just go with whatever is being said to us, we must take the time to really listen. Even if that takes up a lot of our time. People going through hardships, deserve a chance to be understood, even if they make them selves look like nothing is bothering them. Trust me, it bothers them, they just need to know that they are allowed to feel that way.
Also… For a long period of time in my own personal life, I was convinced that every emotion/feeling you get to experience is temporary. I honestly liked the thought and sound of that, but I do not so much anymore. Some stuff we are going through isn’t just bad, or to be referred as bad luck, it is worse than bad, it seems like a never ending nightmare you can’t seem to have a grisp at. It’s like somehow even the most meaningless things can trigger the same pain, sadness as you felt at the exact time of the particular happening. It’s like that pain, all those little heartbreaks, stay with you forever. Maybe it will become less of a burden, but it is still a huge burden to put up with. Even days/weeks/months years later… In a way they shape you differently, even if you don’t want to get too affected by what happened to/with you. Life has a weird sense of humor. Humor is maybe not the good word, but I think you can understand where I am going with this.
The term ‘nothing’ is applicable to situations where all of a sudden nothing changes, and with this nothing, everything changes at the same time. For example, sometimes you meet a person and you feel like you can truly talk to him/her and then all of a sudden the conversation ends, and you can’t really describe at what point it just became different. It just did. It’s weird, but when you think about it, it’s moreover human. Sometimes our brain just doesn’t feel it anymore. We don’t seem to need a reason for that change, it’s just present and there isn’t anything you can do about it. It doesn’t mean that change doesn’t hurt, because it does. Especially the changes that come out of the blue, those hurt the most. You have every right to be hurting, at anytime.
We can only try to understand, but with this trying to understand, it’s incredible easy to lose our selves entirely, because first we start to question everything, literally everything about our selves. If we can’t find the answer in our selves, we go looking for answers outside of our selves, and there’s danger in doing that, because sometimes the questions we so desperately want an answer to, are the answers we will never receive, not even when we think we can’t move on without them. I guess, when someone is going through something worse than a bad situation, all survivor modes go on. You just do everything you feel you should do, often to not feel a single thing, even if it’s just for a little while, and other times we must do everything in our power to try and feel something again. Both are extremely hard.
I am still trying to figure out what my next move will be. I need to sort somethings out for myself and fast, for I’ll lose it more than I already have. The message I am trying to send out with this post is that it is okay to suffer, even if it’s been going on for a long long time. As much as you want to continue with something called the rest of your life, that doesn’t mean that you just can. If someone/something was able to break you entirely from the inside, it is going to take up a lot of time to heal those wounds. Take as long as you need…