Overemotionality

‘Her power was laying in her overemotional character, she felt everything, everything and all in once’.

I have always been thankful for really small things, like when you take the first lick of an ice cream, or the first sip of a cup of coffee. Ever since I was little, I have been good at being thankful for everything I had and everything I got to experience. Of course, some stuff that went on in my life (as well as in each one of another life for that matter) I have had my fair share of hardships growing up. This used to make me feel like as if I was lesser of a person, less good, less determined to succeed in life. Loads of insecurities came from hardships I couldn’t cope with at the time. No, let me refrase that, I didn’t want to be faced with a hardship I couldn’t get a grasp at, it was emotionally too hard and all these emotions I couldn’t understand, I would just put them away. I would ignore them for as long as that would work, for as long I could go on doing that. But it’s only now I realise I have been selling myself short for feeling less, when in fact, I wasn’t less at all.

I think I can speak for others, also, when I say that life sometimes throws arrows down upon us, and we just do everything within our power to dodge these arrows. We at all times, wish to get hurt as little as possible. But what, if everything would just come to us? What if everything we longed for, would be for ours to have just like that? Without the need of trying, without the need of a plan, without faith, what if it would be that easy? Would that be challenging? Would that be something you can be proud of? That would mean, we would live in a world, where it is not necessary to try as hard as we can. It would mean moreover that we wouldn’t be able to appreciate, once we finally have what we want, because we would have everything we want out of life, but we would never be the creators of these accomplishments..

You get where I am going with this?

The point I am trying to make, the point I wish to make is that it is okay if you are not yet where you want to be in your life. As frustrating as that may be, to be struggling actually means you want something more for yourself. It means you don’t want your situation to last forever. It doesn’t even have to mean that the situation you are currently finding yourself in, is a bad one. It just means that everything that comes with this struggle, comes with different types of emotions and all these emotions are there to be treasured. I realize how the word treasured may sound strange, but I am convinced all emotions are there to truly experience. And by saying that I mean, you wouldn’t experience a certain emotion without a reason. I feel like often, we do not want to feel an emotion that isn’t a good one, like feeling scared, feeling insecure, feeling sad or feeling angry. These emotions, I believe are awful to truly experience, but extremely necessarily to do so, to truly experience them. You can ignore them for a while, pretend like they aren’t there, like they are not a burden, but eventually the time and moment will come and you will no longer be able to ignore them. And when this moment arrives, it often is even worse because you suppressed them for such a long time and then all that will be left is a tremdous break-down. Believe me, as I am describing this fromout my own experience…

xo Soph’

Feeling off / on the radar

Hi guys,

As I am writing this, it’s a friday morning and for some reason, I feel off, so off. I can’t actually put meaning on what it is I am feeling right now. I feel a bit different, then I have been feeling lately about my whole life at this moment. I can accept not succeeding, as long as I know I have tried tremendously hard.

I think all the things I am at, all the things I am doing right now, they scare the living hell out of me. Maybe that doesn’t make sense at all, but to me it does. I am a person who will always give everything, whether it’s a job or studies, nor whether whom it concerns. I would lie, if I said certain experiences haven’t changed me. They have changed me in a lot of ways, and sometimes waking up feeling off is part of it, I guess, at least it is for me. People often say it is not possible to change. I strongly disagree. I think you are forced to go through some kind of changes, when you go through a really bad situation. Then it’s not even about wanting to change, but having to, simply to get through it. It’s not about feeling good 24/7. That’s not what my life is about. If your life is like that, well I am glad for you, but for me it’s not.

It’s like I went through what I went through, but it takes me a longer time to be able to really feel or experience what I felt at that time. No, I am having like flashbacks and remembering more and more of really, really bad situations I have been in. It’s almost as if I before didn’t allow myself to feel anything to very little of it.. It’s like when now when I haven’t slept good in weeks, I am actually starting to feel something else, something different, but I can’t really put a point on it, on what it is. It’s like I suppressed certain parts of the really bad experiences. I guess, I must have, just as a way of getting through really bad days at first.

I want to believe fiercely that people will do everything it takes in their power, even it’s just about self-protection, and make their pain and hurt less, to move further in life. I think we should all show more admiration for people going through a hardship, no matter what kind of hardship it is, even it is a hardship you are (thankfully) not familiar with. I find people going through hardships, the strongest people out there, because they want to just not feel numb, to stop worrying and for one day to experience relief and find some kind of regained joy and hope.

For me, it’s highly important to watch my setbacks and progresses carefully. They are both tremendously important for where I am going, and the person I am going to be eventually. I am at ease though, for as far as that is possible with my life. The good and the bad, I’ll take it as it is, I’ll do the best I can in getting forward in my life, and I’d like to think I am very much on the right track. Appreciate it all, for I am a firm believer of everything coming your way for a reason. That makes it more acceptable. That makes the journey of life more than worth it…

 

xo Soph’

Appreciation

I think I can speak for everyone, when I say we are all familiar with having really bad days. How the reasons for our really bad days may differ a lot from person to person, I strongly believe, it takes very tiny things to take place that are able to make your really bad day less awful in a way and more enjoyable. At least I know, most of the times luckily, these things take place in my own personal life.

I am talking here about that one sing you listen to where the lyrics in the song being spoken, you are able to really understand them for the very first time. This song is no longer the song you just listen to whenever, because now that you finally understand the lyrics, the song means something else for you. It’s more than just a song. If you have a song like this, I see you as lucky. Lucky, because you are able or have been able to find a song you can relate to.

The things you do, even the everyday stuff, they can be so much more than something that just needs to be done. I think if you put enough thought and time in it, it can actually make you a better person. I like the thought of that. I like the thought of being able to make your day easier or less bad with really small stuff. Even if they don’t necessarily make your situation better, they are so highly important to do.

Maybe some of you are able to truly understand the point I am trying to make, maybe some you won’t / don’t. That’s also okay, I just know of myself that I can get carried away (easily) and I am likely to lose some parts of myself. along the way. Growing up, there were parts of me I would hid as far away as possible. I struggled with my insecurities of not being enough as a person. Not smart enough, not pretty enough, not enough in every form of my being. I was searching for things out there I knew I would never find, but that search was life changing, because I found out that as long as I would try what mattered to me, it would be enough. That it was okay to make bad choices and screw up, that if it was my decision that it would be my mistake to make, and that only by making mistakes I would let myself grow as a person and experience whatever the hell it was I had to experience.

I am far from perfect and I finally like it like that. I like the version of me that I am becoming. I’d like to think that my past is just my past, that it doesn’t define me. No, I won’t let it define me, but I did for a long time and for that I wish I hadn’t done that..

I like people who are able to appreciate small things like a good talk with a friend, people who can understand, but truly understand the lyrics of such a meaningful song/movie/book. I like people who know that life can be one hell of a ride at times, but that this ride is tremendously beautiful and insane at the same time. I like people who try and understand the morality of everyday life, not take it that seriously, but also not that lightly..

xo Soph’

Could(‘nt) calm the noises

‘She couldn’t calm the noises in her head and in her mind, she could never escape from her thoughts’.

Yes, I am talking about myself in the third person. But the reason why I choose to do so, is because this is how I am. It’s not everything ofcourse, but it’s a very big part of me and I am no longer afraid of acknowleding this part. It has always been crowded inside of my head and inside of my mind, but I used to be convinced that all the madness that went on was bad, like it was all bad, all of my thoughts I had, all the worries I had.

For me, becoming older (and wiser perhaps, that would sure be nice though) was hard, because often I didn’t understand why I would feel a certain emotion so heavily and why I would barely feel another emotion. I had loads of trouble understanding myself, and why certain things that went on would have such great effect on me, and other entire other situations so little.. I would almost never give myself the chance to take a step back and to look at what was really was going on, I would never admire myself for yet another try, even if it didn’t work out. When something wouldn’t work out, I would feel such anger and disappointment towards myself, that 9 out of 10 times I would beat myself up (not literally, but I think it’s understandable to see where I am going with this).

Now however, I think I am doing a much better job in controlling my emotions, this having to do with trying to understand more properly where they are coming from, and if I find myself not being able to take a grasp on my emotions, just letting them be. The change that took place is that now I would never beat myself up so fast, like the way I used to. If I can’t comprehend something, that’s okay for me, as long as I do try to understand, that’s highly important for me.

I am excited for my new studies, Journalism, that will start in less than a month. I am excited about new opportunities. But what I am probably most excited about myself at this very moment, is myself. And this I can say, I haven’t felt like this in a very long, long, long time…

Soph’

Refuse to quit

It’s funny how you can keep yourself occupied with a really nice job and / or studies, and somehow when that occupation has ended for the day, you experience an immense feeling of sadness fall over you. Isn’t that weird or is it just me? I guess that for me it has everything to do with performing the best way I can, and to actually like what I am doing, means the world to me. Maybe I get too caught up in my daily activities and maybe I put too much meaning into it, but to me, to be quite honest, it makes the greatest sense. It makes the greatest sense, because to love what you and do what you love is all you could ask for, if you ask me..

Maybe life is not about trying to fix every broken piece inside your body, maybe it’s just about finding your way back to joy, finding your way back to the things that used to bring a sparkle to your personality and into your life. Maybe, just like me, you have just had a hard period behind you and somehow you feel guilty for starting to be able to enjoy the smallest things again. When you go through hardships it’s up to you to break out, to break free. Not by just one day not feeling anything or the opposite, by feeling too much. Just by noticing these really small changes within you and within your twentyfour during day. It’s by deciding on a bad day to get up, eat something and take a shower. By doing things, you know you need to do, even if you don’t want to do them. By doing them, you are allowing yourself for a miracle to take place. I call this a miracle, because miracles are just around the corner, you just have to be walking those stairs, you have to try and get there, even if you don’t know what will be laying in the corner or where you are standing. You have to accept your progress, but also your setbacks. Both are tremendously important.

What if one day we really get to experience all pieces falling together? For our lives to make full sense? What would that be / look like? What if all the people we surround our selves with, would go through the same hardships as us? Would that mean they would fit better with us? Or would that mean, they wouldn’t get along with us at all? It are all these questions… and so many more… that makes me wonder if it’s possible to ever truly be insanely happy. I prefer the idea of doing everything in your power to heal in as much parts as possible. I am genuinely starting to like the idea of loving parts of yourself and others that aren’t as beautiful at all, but they are still part of someone. Without it, all the fun parts of someone’s being, just would be less meaningfull…

Go kick life’s ass’

#refusetoquit

Soph’

 

 

No shame

Hi guys,

It’s a wednesday evening, and as I am writing this, I need all of you to know that I am a sincere person and I am not ashamed for anything I have done to others, nor what others have done to me. For most of my life I have been trying to maintain control. Now I am starting to let go of this ‘need’. I want others to know it’s okay to have a hard time, as long as you try and with this trying you are helping yourself, even if you are not able to realize it in that moment.

I have been very personal about events that took place earlier this year. I have chosen to delete the posts including sensitive details, not because I am ashamed about it, but because there’s more to me than all my emotional bagage. I feel I owe it to myself to try and not let it haunt me, even it very much feels that way.

Now is the time I am feeling so upset, so angry, like I just want to go out on the street and scream. I won’t, but I feel angry and for me that’s actually an amazing improvement. I still feel numb at times and I can’t imagine these feelings will fade away anytime soon, but I am starting to allow myself to really feel what I am feeling.

It will always be with me and in my mind, and it has defenitely changed my life in so many ways, but I think I will be able to deal with it in a more positive way in the future. For now, I am focussing on work and my upcoming Journalism studies.

I might still be struggling a lot, and with this struggle a lot of self-doubting, but I can live with that. I can live with working on a better version of myself. I can live with getting to know myself in a complete other way.

To anyone who might be fighting their biggest scary battle, I have just one thing to say. Life is hard, recovery is even harder, but recovery will have you experience all kinds of emotions and will cause thoughts and actions, and everything changes, but you really will grow and be a different kind of you, but for all you had to go through, you will be a better you.

Pardon my language, but we are f*ing worth it!

xo Soph’

We hear, but do we listen?

Whether it’s with someone who you’ve just met, or someone who you’ve known for a longer period of time, it always starts with a conversation, about whatever comes up at that time. We want to make a certain impression on people, sometimes conciously, sometimes unconciously, but it’s more than nice when the impression you leave behind is a good one.

The more we talk, the more we convy in others. Some people are more open than others. Especially if you have trust issues of your own, somehow you might find yourself giving away more of yourself faster emotionally than you’d perhaps like. Not saying that’s necesarrily a bad thing. It’s funny how sometimes the things we want, we deny our selves, and therefore other things come in place.

I find it funny how society is always asking so much from us, and somehow we are always struggling to deny feelings of anxiety and insecurities. We are almost always sketching a better picture than the picture really is. That makes me wonder when you have a conversation, no matter who the person is, does the content of a conversation really matter? I mean, we hear, but do we really listen? Are we willing to put a certain amount of effort and time to find out what is really going on? Often we are such in a rush and because of it, often busy with the next big thing on our to do lists. Seriously, I make these to do lists every day. I don’t know for quite how long now, I only know that since I make them, it gives me more clarity and insights of my daily stuff and activities.

It’s almost natural to just go with whatever is being said to us, but is it really like that? Or, do we want others to believe it’s like that? When in fact we don’t feel like that…

Maybe I’m just an overthinker, and maybe other persons are not, that I can respect, but I do feel strongly we need to make more time for other persons than our selves and all of our priorities. The world sure doesn’t revolve around others and it sure doesn’t revolve around our selves, but we should all be looking for some kind of balance, to be better versions of our selves, so that by being better versions of our selves, we automatically become more interested in the life of others.

I hope I am making some kind of sense right now, or perhaps I am tripping on my lack of sleep…

Catch y’all later !

Soph’

All eyez on me

Yesterday in the evening, I went to see the movie of the life of Tupac: All eyez on me, along with my sister, her partner and our brother.

I was looking forward very much, for quite some time already, to see this movie in the cinema. Yesterday it was finally showtime, and it was an absolutely lovely day.

You must come to understand first, that my listening to music growing up was with rap music, namely Tupac. I appreciated his music right away when I first came in contact with it, because it’s real talk, about real people, with real struggles, in a society where basically they are being pushed away, with being disrepected on a daily basis.

I was mainly interested in this movie because of Tupac of course. While I was already familiar with what he was about in his songs. I, however, wasn’t familiar with his background.

This movie showed me so many things. Not just his existence, but moreover how he felt, throughout of all his hardships, and also unfair situations he got him self in, but where he wasn’t to be held responsible for.

I felt the actor who plays Tupac Shakur, Demetius Shipp Junior, has conducted his character very well. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been as a black man to grow up and try and make a living in a neighborhood where black people are being looked at as dirt. Throughout the movie, and through certain experiences his behavior changes, and that change is admirable, at least I admire it. His words, the way he spoke, it just adds up. It makes sense. The real Tupac, also was always busy with coming up for other black people, and so did actor Tupac in this movie.

Every word that was spoken in this movie about the life of Tupac Shakur, his successes and his hardships, every word was heard, every word was felt. And there aren’t a lot of actors who are able in my opinion to take over the life of someone else in a movie and represent that person to it’s fullest potential. He succeded! And for that I am more than glad, because Tupac Shakur deserves that much.. I grade this succesfull movie of the life of Tupac Shakur with a more than deserved 9!!!

I hope you liked this short movie review!

Lots of love,

xo Sophia

That damn mark – label

Experiences shape us. In everybody’s life, situations occur that don’t work out, persons turn out to be different, then how they made them selves look. There are a lot of thing we can have control over succesfully, but sometimes, we are forced to face hardships that are impossible for us to have control over. I don’t know if I can speak, for anyone other than myself, but I sure love to have as much as control in my life as possible.

I feel like when you are able to have a good sense of control over/in your life, you have all the power. I am talking about the type of power that somehow throughout all the madness, you somehow were able to take control back. We are always trying so hard to have the best out of the best, when by doing that sometimes you actually manage to create a worse situation, than the one you were in, in the first place.

It’s human to feel good, when something seems to be working out, when persons keep up their kindness and they suprise with you with yet again another really life changing act . But when even the tiniest thing changes, and it somehow isn’t as good as it once was, we fall tremendously, we get lost, our hope fades, believe in humanity decreases. And this is exactly what I want to point out, often it is one extreme against another. Happiness versus sadness, anger versus fears. Not an emotion in between, and I find it seriously ironice, that our world has to make an absolute sense in all of it’s forms. We expect so much from our selves, we want to be the best version of our selves, but therefore we also expect more than a lot of the people around us, and sometimes that’s a good thing, but sometimes it’s not. Sometimes we give a great deal of our own personal away to other people, and with this giving away, we secretly expect others to fix us, but sometimes it’s not up to them to do that much.

I wrote a piece a long time ago about how you shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, but judging is inevitable. It’s something we don’t like at all, something we wish for it would fade away, but it’s natural in a lot of aspects. We often though treat others really bad, before they even get the chance to speak with us, and I think when we act like this, that it is because we want to meet people in our lives, that will show us something differently than what we have known, than what we are used to. We want others to try and best to knock our walls down, but nobody is perfect. Even if there is this other human being that manages unbuild our walls, even then, it still doesn’t mean you can know how to move forward from this point on..

xo Soph’

The term ‘nothing’

Hi guys,

This post is one where I will be seriously questioning the term ‘nothing’. Later on it will become more clearly why.

Often people ask us out of politeness how we are doing. We are supposed to say we are doing good. That’s the most polite thing to respond with. But what, if we respond to that question, by saying we are doing good, when in fact, we are not? Perhaps I am the only one struggling with this, but I have high admiration for people who are not doing good, not doing good at all for that matter, and still find the courage to say that they are doing good. It’s a safe answer to give, because people will just accept it, they won’t start asking questions considering your situation, because they are not aware you have one.

However… I would like to point out that good friends/relatives will always know whether you are truly doing good, or whether you try to make up that you are doing good, when you really are not. It is socially accepted to say that we are doing good. It is not socially accepted, not at all in fact, to say that we are not doing so good, for whatever the reason might be. I feel like often we try to feel as good as possible for the outside world, but by doing that, we are lying to our selves. At the end of a really shitty day, you end up feeling not wanted.

Most people want to hear it’s going good with someone, because that’s the easiest. I like to hear that it’s going good with people, I really do, but only if someone says it and means it at the same time. If a persons tells me that they are doing good, when they are not, they felt the need to tell a lie towards me, to make me feel better. When I only wanted to know genuinely how it was going.

So, I feel it’s safe to say that we cannot any longer just go with whatever is being said to us, we must take the time to really listen. Even if that takes up a lot of our time. People going through hardships, deserve a chance to be understood, even if they make them selves look like nothing is bothering them. Trust me, it bothers them, they just need to know that they are allowed to feel that way.

Also… For a long period of time in my own personal life, I was convinced that every emotion/feeling you get to experience is temporary. I honestly liked the thought and sound of that, but I do not so much anymore. Some stuff we are going through isn’t just bad, or to be referred as bad luck, it is worse than bad, it seems like a never ending nightmare you can’t seem to have a grisp at. It’s like somehow even the most meaningless things can trigger the same pain, sadness as you felt at the exact time of the particular happening. It’s like that pain, all those little heartbreaks, stay with you forever. Maybe it will become less of a burden, but it is still a huge burden to put up with. Even days/weeks/months years later… In a way they shape you differently, even if you don’t want to get too affected by what happened to/with you. Life has a weird sense of humor. Humor is maybe not the good word, but I think you can understand where I am going with this.

The term ‘nothing’ is applicable to situations where all of a sudden nothing changes, and with this nothing, everything changes at the same time. For example, sometimes you meet a person and you feel like you can truly talk to him/her and then all of a sudden the conversation ends, and you can’t really describe at what point it just became different. It just did. It’s weird, but when you think about it, it’s moreover human. Sometimes our brain just doesn’t feel it anymore. We don’t seem to need a reason for that change, it’s just present and there isn’t anything you can do about it. It doesn’t mean that change doesn’t hurt, because it does. Especially the changes that come out of the blue, those hurt the most. You have every right to be hurting, at anytime.

We can only try to understand, but with this trying to understand, it’s incredible easy to lose our selves entirely, because first we start to question everything, literally everything about our selves. If we can’t find the answer in our selves, we go looking for answers outside of our selves, and there’s danger in doing that, because sometimes the questions we so desperately want an answer to, are the answers we will never receive, not even when we think we can’t move on without them. I guess, when someone is going through something worse than a bad situation, all survivor modes go on. You just do everything you feel you should do, often to not feel a single thing, even if it’s just for a little while, and other times we must do everything in our power to try and feel something again. Both are extremely hard.

I am still trying to figure out what my next move will be. I need to sort somethings out for myself and fast, for I’ll lose it more than I already have. The message I am trying to send out with this post is that it is okay to suffer, even if it’s been going on for a long long time. As much as you want to continue with something called the rest of your life, that doesn’t mean that you just can. If someone/something was able to break you entirely from the inside, it is going to take up a lot of time to heal those wounds. Take as long as you need…

xo Soph’